How My Anxiety Undermined My Dog's Trust (and How We Rebuilt It)

My Experience as a dog mum and over a year as a behaviorist has made me repeatedly question why we humans so often seek substitutes for true connection, even with our animals. Like many, I've also been tempted to reach for an easy fix instead of investing in true understanding.

This quest for shortcuts becomes even more puzzling when we remember that all mammals are biologically wired for connection. It's the reason humans suffer in solitary confinement, dogs become despondent when isolated in kennels, a whale commits suicide in captivity after being kept in isolation for years and babies shouldn't be left to 'cry it out.' Our fundamental need to belong is undeniable.

Let's consider a puppy. Like human babies, puppies are born without the ability to self-regulate. They learn this crucial skill through co-regulation with their caregivers. This involves calming their nervous system through connection, not by teaching a sit with treats. Connection releases chemicals in the body that reduce stress and anxiety. While food can be a form of self-soothing, it's about balance. Imagine if every time your child did something good, you gave them a cupcake, or every time they were upset, they got a box of cookies instead of emotional support. Sure, you might get the desired behavior, but by the time they're grown, that child might instinctively turn to food rather than seeking healthy human connections when facing trauma. We see this same pattern in dogs who become completely fixated on treats

Each time we co-regulate with our puppy, connecting nervous system to nervous system, we strengthen neural pathways that ultimately teach them self-regulation. But let's be honest, this can be incredibly difficult, especially depending on our own childhood experiences and emotional reserves. It forces us to examine ourselves. After a long day at work, sometimes I come home with nothing left to give and I’ll reach for a chew or a bone to buy myself a few more minutes of disconnection.

You can't 'train' genuine calm. True calmness has a complex neurobiological basis. If calmness were as simple as a 'sit' command, life would be so much easier! Imagine if you could tell your kids to sit, and all their energy would vanish, or if you could sit down after a stressful day, and all your worries would melt away. Of course, you might think, 'Dogs aren't people!' and you're right. But they are mammals, and our frontal lobes - the parts of the brain responsible for things like self-regulation - are remarkably similar...

I meet dogs of all ages 6 months, 2 years, even 6 years old -who struggle with self-regulation. So this comes out in self soothing behaviours , constantly licking, chewing, digging, pacing etc . Many well-meaning owners are simply following outdated training advice that overemphasizes treats and techniques. While these tools have their place, they can't replace the powerful foundation of a genuine connection with your dog

Remember, trust isn't transactional! If I walked up to you and gave you a £100 note, you might be momentarily pleased, but that doesn't equal trust. You wouldn't hand over your bank details or house keys based on a single handout.

I learned this the hard way. My anxiety on walks -constantly scanning for threats and avoiding anything that might be difficult - damaged the trust between me and my dog. She sensed that I couldn't be her safe place, and that uncertainty led to her reactivity. No amount of fancy treats could fix that broken bond. The only way forward was the long, challenging work of facing my own fears and learning to be a truly reliable presence for her.

Avoidance signals fear and danger to our own brains and nervous systems. Dogs are incredibly perceptive; you can't fake calmness

Dogs are incredibly attuned to us, both consciously and unconsciously. When we try to mask our true emotions, it creates an internal conflict. our thoughts, feelings, and actions are out of sync. This inconsistency is something dogs pick up on easily.

So, if distraction and treats won't create lasting change, what's the solution? An honest, informed conversation with yourself about what you can handle today -with the dog you have and the person you are right now. That's the foundation of a true partnership. Set yourself up for success by making smart, realistic choices about the challenges you're ready to tackle.

Today, I have the energy and focus to take my dog to the park- that's a win! But some days, maybe after a rough night or a stressful day at work, my best option is a simple walk around the block. Recognizing my own limits is key to staying connected with my dog, even in less-than-ideal circumstances

Learning always involves a bit of a stretch- pushing gently beyond our comfort zone. Instead of fixating on what we don't want to learn, let's focus on the growth we can achieve today. Remember, what we focus on grows. Prioritize staying connected with your dog, growing together, and building that bond in the wider world.